Supporting a family member with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) while protecting your own well-being can be a delicate balance. BPD can involve intense emotions, fear of abandonment, impulsivity, and turbulent relationships, which can make interactions particularly challenging for loved ones. Here are some strategies to navigate this:
1. Educate Yourself
Learning about BPD can help you better understand the emotional turmoil your family member experiences and reduce any personal frustration or guilt. Knowing that their behaviour often stems from deep emotional pain can create empathy while also helping you avoid taking things personally.
2. Set Boundaries Firmly and Compassionately
Boundaries are essential for protecting your well-being. Decide what you are uncomfortable with in the relationship and clearly, calmly, and consistently communicate those boundaries. For example, you could say, “I understand you’re upset, but I need to take a break if the conversation becomes aggressive.” Consistent boundaries help reinforce that certain behaviours aren’t acceptable without alienating your family member.
3. Practice Active Listening without Absorbing
Show empathy and validate their feelings—often people with BPD fear being dismissed or abandoned. Instead of jumping in with advice or getting defensive, try reflecting back what they’re feeling. This helps them feel heard without putting an emotional burden on you. Phrases like “That sounds really painful” can be supportive without involving you directly in their distress.
4. Avoid Being a “Fixer”
People with BPD often seek reassurance and support but may feel invalidated by attempts to “fix” or control their behaviour. While it’s natural to want to help, avoid taking on their emotional work. Instead, gently encourage them to use coping strategies they’ve learned in therapy or consider professional help if they haven’t already.
5. Encourage Professional Support
People with BPD benefit greatly from therapies like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which teaches skills to manage intense emotions, improve relationships, and make healthier decisions. While you can’t make someone seek therapy, encouraging them when they show interest or offering to help them find resources can be supportive.
6. Take Care of Your Own Mental Health
Supporting someone with BPD can be emotionally taxing. Make sure you prioritize your self-care through therapy, meditation, exercise, and connecting with friends or support groups. Finding a therapist who understands the challenges of supporting someone with BPD can give you space to process your feelings and strategies to cope.
7. Limit Engagement During Escalations
When your family member becomes highly emotional or angry, it can be beneficial to disengage temporarily rather than get caught in the turmoil. This may mean excusing yourself from the conversation and revisiting it when they are calmer.
8. Find Support
Support groups, both online and in-person, are valuable resources. Speaking with others who are going through similar experiences can help you feel less alone, provide helpful tips, and offer understanding.
9. Maintain a Focus on Positive Interactions
When possible, engage in positive activities that you both enjoy. Building up positive interactions can create a foundation of good memories and make it easier to navigate tougher times.
10. Practice Emotional Detachment with Love
Learning how to support them with compassion, while also recognizing their behaviour is not yours to control, can be incredibly empowering. This doesn’t mean shutting down emotionally but rather allowing yourself to be supportive without absorbing their emotional energy.
Seeking professional support from a registered psychotherapist can be the first step book your appointment with Maddie today who specializes in working with clients with borderline personality disorder:
